Compassionate Resolutions

3. January 2007

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Its the time of resolutions and positive plans for the coming months.

Making resolutions can however become yet another way to beat ourselves over the head for our perceived failings. I believe that many if not most people approach their New Years resolutions from the a sense of self judgement where they believe they are under performing and should do better even if they don’t really want to. Losing weight and giving up smoking are two classic examples. Everyone tells you that you should give up and lose weight etc. etc.. It makes perfect sense, of course you should give up or eat better, the health benefits are well accepted, but in reality you simply don’t want to, if you did you’d already have done it. That is a key point to accept.

So the task is actually less about giving up a “bad” habit and more about building harmony between the aspect of you that thinks you should give up or change something and the side that wants to keep things as they are. This requires true honesty with oneself. We prefer to avoid admitting that we are self destructive, angry, or judgmental, we want to think and feel that we are “good” yet if we are engaged in some destructive behaviour then that is a likely sign that some part of us is feeling “bad” or in need of punishment.

So what next? Therapy? Well, a therapist maybe helpful to speed things up but it isn’t a necessity, you can help yourself quite simply by looking within and directing your thoughts ever more consciously. We make split second choices in every moment and setting resolutions is about intending to make new choices moment by moment to achieve new outcomes but will only be successful if you continue to focus upon the results rather than on the difficulties and your resistance.

Positive change requires continued focus upon positive outcomes which means you need to focus upon the benefits and results of changing a habit and you need to act as far as is possible as if you have achieved your goal already. Note your language, in the case of smoking you have either given up or you haven’t, if you announce that you are trying to give up then you haven’t you are only trying which is very different. But then who says you have to give up anyway? Perhaps you really do not want to, some people smoke their whole lives without health problems. Perhaps you have incarnated to experience what a life of smoking and dying of lung cancer is like? It sounds heretical I know but it maybe true for you? Only you know and only you can make the changes one way or the other.

I think that two short lists of resolutions are a great staring point.

  • The what you should list – which represents your self-judgements.
  • The what you want list – which represents your deeper dreams for now and the future.

These can reveal your inner struggles and help you make changes.

For example:

I should give up smoking.

may be countered or balanced by

I want to do exactly as I want whenever I want.

or

I should eat more fruit and vegetables.

may be countered or balanced by

I want to eat whatever I like.

Looking at this you can see that the noble wants in this case are distorted and leading to rebellious unhealthy habits. You want to do and eat whatever you like and you already are. It is simply that what you like is not what you think you should like.

So what do you really want on a deeper level? What really inspires you? What takes you beneath the should to your true needs? One simple statement maybe enough to propel you into many positive changes.

This works well for me

I want to feel consistently happy, healthy, peaceful and at ease with myself, life, and all around me.

That is a powerful want for me and I feel that way much of the time but it is still a work in progress. So in 2007 I intend to feel moment by moment ever more “consistently happy, healthy, peaceful and at ease with myself, life, and all around me.” This may mean different habits but I’ll be guided more by my wants than my shoulds.

HAPPY 2007

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  1. — colin    Jan 6, 01:31 PM

    Another piece of wisdom. Thanks as always. I love the way you concisely reduce things to easy understood language as aid to action.

    I persuaded all my friends that personal and ultimately selfish resolutions are pointless. We decided that it was better to just vow to make a difference in life. To behave actively as opposed to passively/internally focussed. I’ll let you know how we all get on…


  2. — chris    Jan 8, 11:08 AM

    Thanks for your supportive comment. I think the best way to make a difference in life is to learn to be truly happy and at peace amongst the apparent madness of the world around us. Happy people create happy worlds.


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